ahhhhhhhhhh whats up with life
Mood:  down
Topic: forunate death
i hope to die today i just want an escape whats up with living when you dont live at all

i'm a cow and i am sick of being large
i have been dissappointed in myself all day i am proana i hate to be fat i am a cow i am cutting like everything out of my diet that will make me fat i won't eat i am not going to get large so i am going on a 4 day fast i have something to do this weekend and well i want to look good i'm a cow people dont see it but i do and i am really not liking a 145 anymore i want to be thin i am not going to eat i can't i hate food i dont want to be a fat cow i am not going to be around when nicole comes over tomorrow i am not going to be around so she can take me to the hong kong to get me fatter she told me to get over it well it pisses me off i want to be thin i want to be a model i can't be a fat model no i dont think so fat is gross i am not going to be gross i am like crying when i say this i want my body back and i dont want to be 20yrs old anymore i dont really want to be alive right now i hurt badly i hate this town i feel like i am just spinning again like i was before i am the girl interupted i will push everyone away again i have got to do that or i will die iwth them all around

i'm tired of being sick and tired
Mood:  crushed out
Topic: i am upset with me
i really dont' like my parents at all i think my mom has never been there for me and doens't no me and she makes me so pissed off at her it is not hard to say i dont love you and my dad well he's a prick and a jerk off and doesn't want nothing to do with me i hate him at time i know i didn't help the situation you knolw what i do'nt owe no one anything fuckem they both can kiss my ass fucking bitches

i hate myself for loving you
Mood:  mischievious
Topic: i have no clue
i'm really confused i am happy to be going back to work sometime soon i quit doing drugs i have to i am losing so much everytime i get high i will drink a beer to that fuck me running backwards man dude man ihave no clue about anything today i have been really confused about everything oh well its just another day in my life i am going back to school i dont know about anything

untitled
Mood:  bright
Topic: unsure
i've been staying at jens house in robinson i have done some job hunting which i was successful i have an app on top at flos well me and jen they are going to call us if things don't work out with the new girls i'm going to go in and bug them i am even cleaning kevins house tomorrow i am going to get some more apps and turn them in i am going back to the legion and ask about my job i need to get the hell outa of this shit whole town well i can't say tha necessarily bc all little towns are the same and i know a bunch of people are thinking well that fucking sucks balls
you have to have this really thick skin to live in a small town you have to pretty much tell people to go fuck off if you want to stand out and be above them all well i don't mean than i am better than them i just think that oblong well most small towns in genernal live in this imaginary fantacy world of rules of reality and safety well all i can say is wake the fuck up and reconize people are different and shit happens quit talking about me or whoever your talking about that is breaking those little fokelores that the small town's people of norme have created

all i know is people are dangerous alone in groups (oblong) are fucking deadly.


but on a lighter note i'm pretty relaxed and really sure of what i want this week well mostly out of today cuz tomorrow is never promised actually 5secs away isn't either

my mom thinks i am really loud on the computer cuz i listen to music while i am on it and i start singing out loud ican't help i love eddie money i'm so starting my new diet i am going to lose like 10lbs possibley more i just want to be skinny

ain't life just peachy
Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: loving life
i have this crazy mood going on today and my head is flowing with thoughts today i can't wait to go into work today to pick up my check i am going to be so sweet and nice but then part of me watnts to pull i am crazy and very unstable i was tempted to tell diane miller that its her fault my medication isn't working for me and i have to switch to stronger drugs just kidding but i am going to fuck with people so bad actually i plan to reconcile my differences with nicole well explain why i said what i said i dont' really care if anyone is mad at me so what its only a matter of opinion i still have the people i care about in my life and i figure thats all i need i hav3e decided to consider moving down to centraila or carbondale i was even considering st louis i just have to find a good school down there for nursing i don't know most peole consider moving away to some place smaller or really close but iwant to start over some place far away

my life sucks sometimes
Mood:  lazy
Topic: boredom
well today has went by pretty slow i only thought about nathan i dont' know why either its stupid to just think about one person that isn't even in my life presently oh well i'll get over it tom asked me to go with him to olony on sunday when he takes his daughter back to her moms i said i would cuz driving down there and back will be lonely i wouldn't want to have to go alone down there myself i was pretty wasted last night me and jen partied it up well until i went to kevins and asked tom if i could stay there i didn't like jen's company she had with her i told she could do better than the guy she was hooking up with i don't believe pretty younge ladies should have to settle for second best whats the point in that i have decided with myself i know why i don't work with any of the guys i have tried to be with since nathan well the flat out trueth is why try to have the same thing i had with someone else when i can have better i tend to over look really nice guys and send them on their way cuz i like to feel hopeless its funny how we as people do the greatest harm to ourselves

i just feel like somedays are just a big reminder that tomorrow could be worse i dont' know if that makes sense to anyone but it does to me i know thats not true but when your so lonely and hurt broken down moreless you kind of stay in that kind of mind set that negativity is hard to break when you're low god i can't wait to go back to school this spring then i will have plenty to do to keep me busy i am going to be driving soon i can't wait my indepence will be awesome i will be able to do what i need to do and have less stress then what i do know well i have to watch will and grace and hit the sack i need some rest i throw up like 4 times this morning until i had nothing but bile to throw up maybe my drinking problem has to do with alot of my problems i have it is i dont' have to say that aloud to know it

Mood:  caffeinated
Topic: good morning
well last night went to Deans's and we talk about some of the juice gossip that was going on about me at work supposedly I am in rehab but thats not the best I was at a party Saturday night and on stage with the band stripping and after that a train was ran on me by a group of guys well hate to break to these people have been sober for 7 days and still counting it feels great to not have a hang over I have hid alot of my repressed feelings in the bottle but as for the stripping down and the gang banging well sorry not for me even if I was hammered to the max I just dont' understand why people get off talking about me I was at home all Saturday except when I was at Nicole's who is now mad at me BC I told the supervisor where I work that all she does is read after we get the residents to bed well I dont' see her answering call lights and doing the dirty work oh well I will talk to her BC I wasn't like talking shit I was just venting to the wrong person thats why I love counseling so much they get in major trouble if they tell anything outside the session

but anyways today I plan to go in and talk to my adminstrator and get this shit together I really want to find a good lawyer and do the fucking cunt thing to do like a lawsuit for violation of confidentiality and privacy BC when you take a call in your not to tell everyone in the hole facility what was wrong and what was said fucking bitches

last night me and deana talked about my ex my last boyfriend and her friend Doug told me somethings that made me kind of think I was like yeah thats probably why it never works out with other guys I never look for anything thats different and I am scared of what is different and could be better for me I also agree with the point that why I end up in these messes is the fact that I'm smarted than most of the people I hang around I thought that one was excellent

my horoscope today is exactly what I wanted it to say

Daily Overview for November 02, 2005
Provided by Astrology.com Daily Extended Forecast


Quickie:
Making a few changes in your home and wardrobe can freshen up your outlook on life.

Overview:
A very new friend or lover is due to cross your path soon, bringing along more than just temptation. This person stands to change a lot about you, including your opinions about some extremely delicate subjects.


well I think me and Nicole are going to cross I am not stupid I think we need to talk about what's up she's been my best friend for awhile now and its hard to find people in this world you can really connect with but when I moved away for that little period of time I pushed everyone I really loved and cared about away I wish I wouldn't have it was wrong of me